Reflections from a Dorm Parent

Written by Ryan Alexander, dean of the fifth and sixth forms.

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For most parents, the scariest part about boarding school is the actual boarding. Parents wonder, “What will my son be doing at night?” and “Who will be taking care of him?”

I’ve lived on dorm for all of my eleven years at Woodberry, and as the dean of fourth and fifth forms, and former director of residential life, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about residential experience and how we best care for our boys. I’m very grateful to work closely with the duty members and dorm parents who are on dorm every night with the students. We monitor the dorms to make sure that they’re quiet, productive, and healthy environments, but more importantly, we are checking in with every boy face to face through the evening. We put a huge value on relationships in all that we do here, and dorm life is no exception.

In fact, some of the formative moments in a boy’s time at Woodberry will be through his time on dorm — living in close community with his prefects, his dorm parents, and a diverse group of his closest friends. It’s one of the primary ways that we know, challenge, and love our students.

In my observations, here are a few of the most important things boys learn on dorm:

Living with a roommate - I tell boys that having a roommate might be the best premarital preparation they ever get. Most learn very quickly how to manage small conflicts before they become big ones, how to say “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” when appropriate, and how to deal with the problem without attacking the person. The decision about temperature in the room or whether to put up blackout shades may seem inconsequential, but I assure you I’ve met with many roommate pairs struggling to navigate simple disagreements like these. And these small moments of conflict are fertile opportunities to learn the basic skills of managing relationships. I think learning these basics are why 95% of roommate conflicts that I deal with are with new boys. The old boys figure out how to manage these themselves.

Respecting yourself and others - Keeping a clean room is important not just to avoid an ant infestation. A clean space helps boys focus and organize other parts of their lives. But boys also learn that their behaviors have consequences for others around them. Your roommate (and others on the hall in some cases) suffers when you don’t do your laundry. When you leave a mess in the commons room, you inconvenience the housekeeping staff that cleans the dorms. And on the positive side, when you take care of your space and clean up after yourself, that communicates respect and appreciation to those around you.

Building healthy habits - For many boys, setting their own alarm clock, making their bed each morning, and doing their own laundry are small yet substantial steps towards independence. These habits are building blocks to grow and strengthen boys, and they give confidence to tackle bigger challenges. Although we have some strict guardrails in place, especially for younger boys, we allow boys to manage aspects of their lives here that they didn’t have to at home, and that empowers them more than you’d expect.

Remembering you’re not alone - Perhaps most importantly, I want all Woodberry boys to know they have help in their corner. Sometimes I observe a boy who is struggling on dorm, or he comes to me on his own. But more often than not, someone else alerts me to an issue. A boy confides in his prefect or another student mentor, or an advisor or dorm parent notices something off when checking in with a boy. Boys have a web of peer and adult support that can help them navigate their problems or direct them to others who can help. Parents are absolutely a part of this web, and a boy is best cared for when there is a healthy partnership between his parents and the school.

Some of the fondest memories at Woodberry for my wife and me are on dorm — inviting boys over to eat Chick-Fil-A nuggets or watch a big game together in our apartment. I spent the first three years of my marriage resisting my wife’s pleas to own a dog. She finally won the argument when she convinced me how much the boys on dorm would like it. She was right, of course. Most teenage boys aren’t quick to open up, and as in any relationship, building trust takes time. Food and dogs are simple but effective tools to do just this — to start a conversation and build relationship. At its best, this is what dorm life at Woodberry is all about.

For most boys, the boarding aspect of Woodberry will be a bigger change than the academic transition. After all, every boy has been in school before, but for most this is their first sustained experience living away from home. My twelve years on dorm have shown me it’s a wonderful experience for boys. When boys who I got to know in my earlier years on the faculty come back to campus for visits, so many of the stories they tell and the friendships they maintain are centered around their time on a Woodberry dorm.